Monday, December 19, 2011

Downfalls of Having Your Boss' Cell Phone Number

It was a chilling night in the bedroom of a young and sleepless girl. Everything within her shook with an uneasiness which every second convinced her more so that something was wrong. Careful consideration and countless minutes of pouring over the nights' events led her to the only possible conclusion: it was the chili.

Ohhhhhhhh the chili. This girl was never made for chili in the first place. And now her body was telling her exactly what it felt about her consumption thereof.

You have probably guessed it already- but yes, I did in fact stay up the wee hours of the morning having all kinds of stomach issues [the details of which I will spare you- I should be the only one traumatized in this story]!

But here is where the major downfall of the story takes place. Trying to be a decent employee, I wisely chose to call my boss and inform her that I would be an hour or two late coming in. This would all have been swell, were it not for the fact that I have her cell phone number.

It's funny how 4:15 in the morning can have such a debilitating effect on one's mind. Rather than dialing my work number, and skillfully wandering my way through the automated dialing system to find her name, my only thought was: "I need to call [boss' name]...", and so.... that is what I did! I scrolled right through my contacts, and proudly pressed s'end' when I got to her name. ... in my cell phone... mind you... it's 4:15 in the morning.

Now luckily, it only took a couple... (few?) rings before my more sensible self piped up with "What are you doing?!?!?!" resulting in the quickest hang-up possible.

My only hope is that I did not wake her!... or her husband... or her two small children...

Disaster. :)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

New Guitar!

For some time, I have been in the market for a new guitar! My other guitar (a Seagull) is basically unbeatable in my eyes. Aside from the fact that I have nearly torn a hole in it from strumming too hard [who knew that strumming the wood would not actually enhance the sound?!], it has a rich, warm tone to it. The middle and low notes [my favorite] are so pure. The acoustics are awesome, too, and the sound carries more so than most other acoustics I have played.

Alas, however, it simply does not function as an electric-acoustic. An electric pickup was added several years ago, but it does not always work, and when it does, it turns my beautiful, warm-toned guitar into a twangy, cacophony of mess!

SO! I have been looking for an additional acoustic, custom built with electric pickup and tuner. [Ideally with a cut-out for easy access to the higher notes.]  I have been borrowing such guitars for all functions where I need to plug in!

WELL- this past weekend, I was in the North Carolina mountains with a wonderful group of ladies! One of them, Angela, brought her own guitar along so that I could lead worship! On the final day of the retreat, just before I was going to lead worship, she walks up to me and says: "By the way, the Lord told me before this weekend- the guitar, and the guitar stand are yours."

Jaw. Drop. [insert 5 minutes of confusion and dumb-foundedness]

SO THANKFUL!! And it's a Takamine! I had already decided in the guitar store several days prior that I wanted a Takamine. Sighhhhhhhh... isn't the Lord great? And His children, with their incredible generosity?!

Here it is!



 Beautiful. :)

Friday, October 7, 2011

I Probably Need You!...

This was my discussion with the Lord yesterday morning:

"I have no idea what I'm doing... and You are the Creator of the universe... 
 If that's not dependency, I don't know what is!"

Funny thing about not knowing what to do-
You are reliant on the One who does!

The Lord is my Shepherd; I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
For His name's sake. [...]
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me [...]
Surely goodness and love will follow me
All the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever!
~Psalm 23
vs 1-3, 4b, 6

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Late Night Painting

So I realized, far too late in the evening, that I wanted to do a painting for a friend of mine!

I am the definition of an amateur, being self-taught, and having only painted about 5 times previously... I find that this sort of endeavor usually takes me about 4 hours, which was convenient, considering I have been sick and needed to be in bed in precisely 1 hour and 45 minutes.

The beginning was the rough stretch. Desperation led to desperate measures, and I laughed as I whipped out my hair dryer to quicken the drying of the first couple coats!

Nevertheless, with burning eyes and an exceedingly sore back, I completed in the nick of time! ... 2 am. Dang it. Oh well. I recon this cold can last me another couple of days! [not really- be gone you evil tormentor of darkness! Grant me back that which I was given at birth- the ability to BREATHE!] ... moving on.

I forgot to take pictures until I was about half-way through, but here's the step-by-step process!









Monday, September 12, 2011

The Ancient Ruins


This is a rough draft of a poem I've worked on over the course of a year. It took me a while to find a picture that matches what I was seeing when I wrote it, but I'm very satisfied with the one found! I began the poem hardly even knowing what the ancient ruins stood for- only knowing it was something lost and hoped for. It helped me get through a rough time, and reminded me so much of Israel's exile. I have come to think that, for me, the foundation is a promise. Once lived in, once exiled from, and once more returned to. The poem is a bit too long, and I definitely want to change a couple stanzas, but that's ok. At some point, I want to edit it so that it is much more parallel to Israel's exile.  But here it is:


The Ancient Ruins
A poem of redemption

In the distance she stands-
Beaten and beautiful.
The wind makes its mark in the grass and clouds surrounding her,
But she stands calm.

I make my way slowly down the overgrown path.

Heavy beads of rain speckle the wild grasses
As the storm chases the horizon.
My feet remember their tracks,
Though the ground is washed and softer now.

And there she stands...

Her walls bare a deeper grey than before-
Their color enriched by the showers.
The stone is wet and cool,
Leaving tiny granules shimmering on my fingertips.

A bird flies overhead.

Her ceilings are gone now and light dances freely
On her mossy floor bed.
The tiny wild flowers were not there when last I saw her
In the dead of winter.

It was a time of warfare.

Her foundations rumbled with the shouts of battle cries
And the reverberations of harsh horns.
A heartless and ruthless enemy surrounded her,
Blasting holes in her impenetrable walls.

She was dying back then.
We were both dying.

Her strongholds crumbled before our eyes
And the stinging sounds of steel weapons weighted us with fear.
A merciless enemy scaled her walls,
And a jealous God struck at them with hot lightning.

We abandoned her to escape enslavement.

How long did we mourn our exile?
How hot were the seas we cried?
We clung to her memory and were slow to receive the blessings
Of a jealous and generous God.

She was all we had known.

But seasons passed, time proved faithful,
And we slowly found our joy.
We were surprised to find that hope had not been slaughtered within her walls
As we had once believed.

Her loss was a painful entrance to a deeper hope.

Foreign lands with fertile soil became our homes;
They were new, but they were warm.
They made room for us and took us in,
And we did our best to do rightly by them.

Still, we remembered her and were better for it.

I remember thinking back on her-
Before they stormed her gates,
When we were obedient and peaceful.
I dreamed, though scared, to see her yet.

A faithful God rendered me jealous for her.

I was scared, somehow, to find her gone-
That there would be no remnant, no remains.
But His jealousy had taken hold,
And I could not resist Him.

So I left for a land that may no longer exist.

The way was long, and the road was rough,
And every step was hard.
Fear meddled with a timid hope,
And nearly won me over.

Still, He led me forward.

With blinders now, I make my way-
Crossing forgotten rivers.
Every pebble shifts under my weight
As though it remembers me.

My throat swells as I reach the place where she should be.

But there she stands- these ancient ruins-
Beaten and beautiful.
The wind makes its mark in the grass and clouds surrounding her,
But she stands calm.


"May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember you, if I do not consider Jerusalem my highest joy." Psalm 137:6

Friday, September 9, 2011

Just an Athens Sunset

Was running out the door to spend time with a dear friend, and this is what greeted me. Sighhhhhh.




The birds were out having their nightly feast, as well. I didn't really capture them in the cell phone pics, but they were soaring around all over the place, and it was glorious!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Bling Blingin'

Girl's got new BLING! Whaaaat?!


So at the ripe age of 24, I finally got my ears pierced! Not a moment too soon, eh?!

My parents weren't really the baby-piercing kind, and by the time I was old enough to choose, I was in year-round sports!!! Nothing like sliding/diving in rough granules of Georgia dirt and the constant ripping away of helmets to deter a girl from getting her ears pierced. :)

By the time all of that ended, I had been the girl without pierced ears for so long, it was odd to think of getting them done! 

But my daddy was talking to me about where I want to be a few years down the road. He asked me where I wanted to be, and then suggested I just make decisions and live life in a way that will get me there! 

What on earth getting my ears pierced could have to do with that will remain my own business for now. :) But suffice it to say, I am enjoying my first several hours of holy-eared Kelli!


Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Great Escape

Being with people is one of my favorite things, but sometimes you just need to get away.



I absolutely love the working life, but it really detracts from the amount of personal time you get. Add in the social life, and the weekly meetings, etc, and your time gets sliced into pieces. All of this is making the sabbath more and more precious to me.

I cannot say how much I love my job, but I'm realizing that spending 8-9 hours minimum a day without getting to develop people towards the Lord is really starting to wear on me.

It would seem everything has been building up in me, and I have desperately needed a get-away. I felt like I was supposed to do something different for church this morning, but I didn't know what to do. I spoke with a friend, and he suggested hitting up a park. Finally- peace! I knew what I was supposed to do.

So this was church this morning:



I also wrote a new jingle: "I saw a bug today I never want to seeee again..." [and repeat]






And I found what may be my new favorite flower. So beautiful. :)



I didn't hear Him much while I was there, but I know He heard me, and I trust Him, so that'll do. And what's even better, He gave me so much guidance and insight on those things later in the day! What a blessing.

And what an incredible day!

Monday, July 25, 2011

What DO you have?!

Hello again!

Tip of the day= gratitude.

Ohhh this is so what I want to learn! The Lord is having a field day keeping me humble these days! I think He's probably trying to convince me that I can't make things happen. Noted, Lord? Ohhhh, yes. So noted! Everything I say or do to try and attain my desires usually leaves me feeling like a complete idiot! [all glory to God! haha]

But you know, at the same time, this is what the Lord is surfacing in me: "What DO you have, Kelli?! What DO you have?"

After such a long season of disappointment and hurt and stripping away, my little heart has completely forgotten how to be blessed in the natural! He took me into the quiet place to draw my heart closer to Him, but now that He wants to bless me externally, I have no idea how to receive it!! Because... look at the pain last month, Jesus! And look at the heartache months ago, Lord! ... honestly. Kelli. I love you, but open your eyes, girl! BIG FLOWERY FIELD OF WONDERFUL stands before you! [shaking my head]

"Devote yourself to prayer, being watchful and thankful." Colossians 4:2

This verse wrecked me a couple years ago. Perfect timing, really. Pray, yes. But pray with a watchful eye, and be thankful.

When I think about the amazing, incredible people He has placed in my life that very sincerely care about me, I am undone at His goodness. There is so much love surrounding me! If only I look to what I DO have! Praise Him, for He is good!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

You are my Gate

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23

This verse has been circling through my head for months now. Various friends (of a loving and wise sort of nature) have offered it to me as advise in this season of my life. How discerning of them. And yet, every time I hear it or read it, it stirs turmoil in me...

A guard is set in place to protect something of value- something deemed precious, and worthy of any expense to protect. Above all else, the Lord considers my heart to be the one thing worth guarding. I could spend the rest of my life pondering on that alone.

So why the turmoil? What can be bad about my heart being precious?

Finally, after a man that I deeply admire shared this verse yet again with me, the Lord explained to me what I did not understand about guarding my heart.

This is what I knew: As said before, a guard is set in place to protect something of value- they are strong in stature, and often carry an additional weapon to defend against those who would try to steal or wound that which is being protected. Keep it safe, keep everything out.

But that is where I erred!! A guard is not solely set in place to keep everything out. Rather, a guard is set in place to keep everything out that would harm, while allowing any rightful person to pass easily. If a guard is excellent at protecting something- a city, for example- but they do not allow the King or the citizens of that city to enter- what good is the guard?!

Guard your heart.

Yes, a guard often means putting up walls, putting up boundaries... but a boundary without a gate is but a prison!

I need a guard of my heart to defend against anything ill intended, and to allow those who would bless to enter. I need a gate of my heart, to let the wicked depart, and let the loving to enter.

It's the same misconception as we have about God being a judge- we forget that a judge also pronounces the people innocent! Remove your turmoil, and be thankful!

But I have learned that I am not the best guard of my gate. I used to let all of the good in, but there was no closing my gate! Here is my heart- wide open for all who desire to possess it. Friend or foe. The truth is- I need a guard, and I need a guard who is stronger than I am.


“I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.” Jesus used this figure of speech, but they did not understand what he was telling them.
Therefore Jesus said again, “I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" John 10:1-10

Monday, July 4, 2011

Freedom and Golf Carts!

Here is a quick pic to demonstrate the awesomeness of a family town Freedom Parade!

This was everyone leaving after the parade was through:

Ohhhhhhhhh the golf carts.

And for any of those pondering about the wellness of my face this year- my father saved me from a stray pair of beads that had been hurled- yes, directly at my face. Saved my life. Thank you, father. :)

Otherwise, other than minor bruises from candy-pelters, All is well!

Happy 4th, everybody!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Cornbread and Chicken

Well, 4th of July weekend is upon us! Hellooooo 3 day weekend! I decided to travel on down to my favorite 4th of July spot- HOME.

We may not be a big city, but we do it right! I'm talking all-out. Fireworks are amazing, and the town is decorated like no one's business. Beware of frantic flag wavers, or the lady who keeps slapping you in the face with her beads- the beads that she keeps whipping around carelessly [in your face] as she begs the other floats to give her MORE BEEEEADS!!! .......

All of this, though, is really just a side note. I've been thinking recently about how much I enjoy the small city life I have right now- with all of its entertainment and distractions. And yet at the same time, I sooo commiserate with "Sweet Home Alabama", when the heroine states something to the extent of: "but then I come here, and this feels right too." Not only does it feel right... it feels great!

It was a great moment today when I stopped for gas a block or two away from home. I looked around me, and smiled as I stared in the face of my roots. I suddenly remembered why I'm a small girl devoted to her Ford truck. This song came echoing from my speakers as I pulled up: "Where I come from, it's cornbread and chicken! Where I come from, a lot of front porch sittin'. Where I come from- tryin' to make a livin'. And working hard to get to heaven, where I come from."


Every last one of those vehicles is a truck! HA! And every one of the vehicles parked out front was a truck or an SUV. I looked up just in time to see a man in his 50s walking out of the station with his unbuttoned shirt exposing his tanned beer gut! And my confession? I loved everything about that gas stop!

"I feel no shame, I'm proud of where I came from
 I was born and raised in the boondocks!
 One thing I know- no matter where I go
 I keep my heart and soul in the boondocks!
 It's where I learned about living / It's where I learned about love
 It's where I learned about working hard / And having a little was just enough.
 It's where I learned about Jesus / and knowing where I stand..."

Happy 4th, America! And it's good to be in the South!

Songs quoted: "Where I Come From" by Alan Jackson, and "Boondocks" by Little Big Town

Monday, June 20, 2011

"It was a hot summer night..."

Title quoted from "You Took the Words Right Out of my Mouth", by Meatloaf!

Well, today was our last cool day of Spring before the Summer- a nice, breezy 97 degrees!!!

On a day like today, when it is 97 degrees [feels like a humid 110], I am thankful for my office job! Except... oh wait... our AIR CONDITIONING was BROKEN! Hot, sticky, work environment of MADNESS!

But do not fret, my dear bloggers. I, ever the capable supervisor, maintained my professionalism. Why? Because I am a rock; because I was born to sweat!; and because it was a perfect opportunity for me to take place in my first involuntary wet t-shirt contest!

Quite honestly though- it's a good thing I wore brown today. We were soaking our shirts from the skin outward! Nice to know that summer starts tomorrow... sigh.

But all is well! It certainly afforded some great laughs.

To all my beloved work friends- today, was a growing day. And I shall always think of you thus:

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Content as a I may be

Wow. I hope that you can feel as deeply contented as I feel at this moment. I don't know where to go first- to talk about how much freedom there is in resting, or to talk about the Lord, and how He is the only One and only thing in existence who could ever satisfy fully.

I will suffice with the latter. It is, after all, where any of my rest is found.

I have been reading the monologue of Solomon. This man is so real. Truly, I feel I am in his mind and in his heart as he writes these words out, considering each thought as he pens it:

"Vanity of vanities, says the preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity!...
  The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.
  What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done,
  And there is nothing new under the sun...
  I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after    wind."
          - Solomon 1:2,8b,9,14

He harnessed his wisdom, and directed all energy towards finding fulfillment in life under the sun. He snapped his reigns in every direction in search of purpose. And found nothing under the sun that would satisfy. What has been is what will be, and everything is but a striving after wind.

What is there, then, to satisfy? Where can man find his satisfaction?

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."
          - John 1:1-5

Before the earth was created- before it was afforded its many pleasures- be them mountains, be them the depths of the ocean, there was only Him. He alone was the source of any pleasure. There was only One Place to seek fulfillment.

Only him.

All else is darkness compared to him. And in him, the darkness is as light. Existence, with no earth and with no sun, is as light with him.

I hardly notice if I have anything else, for He was my only satisfaction from the beginning.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Favorite Moment of the Day

While visiting a friend, I began reading bullet points out of a dating book retrieved from her bookshelf. I took the liberty of adding a brief commentary to each point. After a minute or two of reading, I finally arrived at this:
  • Rework your ideal and have it be a real person and not a fantasy. "working on it."
  • Rework distortions in the way you evaluate yourself. "GOD is working on it, because I SUCK at it!"
  • Monitor the way you talk to yourself about your imperfections. [... commence throwing book down and yelling in a dramatic way while friend laughs!]
Called out? I think so. Ladies and gents- I have officially been Jesus slapped!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Joys of Waiting

I am experiencing one of the sweetest realizations I have had all year, and one that I hope to take with me for the rest of my life! And that is this:

I am never wasting time by waiting on the Lord. It is quite the opposite!

Sometimes I am waiting on the Lord to get me out of something bad, and sometimes I am waiting on Him to give me the go ahead on something good. As hard as the hard times are... I think sometimes it can be just as hard if not harder to wait on Him to tell you you can do something good!

Either way, it's worth it. It's so worth it.

If there's one theme in my weirdo Jesus-freak dreams, where I dream of His returning to this wonderful and broken world, it is this: with all of the destruction, all of the pain and killings and fear- when the Lord finally sweeps in- I am overwhelmed with this rush of joy and fulfillment, and every time, it feels like He came too soon!! I will be crying out for Him at one point, and then He sweeps in suddenly, and at that instant I am undone and completely overwhelmed. It never fails in these recurring, but different dreams, that when He gets to me, it feels like His timing was earlier than it should have been!

I have been convinced all year that 2011 is going to be an AMAZING year! A year set apart for redemption!

We are almost 5 months in, and so far the year has mostly been waiting and trusting. It has been riddled with confusion, wetted with tears, and yet flooded with hope.

Reading these last words- confusion, tears, and hope... surely these are the ingredients for redemption, yes?!

What sweet freedom I have had so far this year, in the midst of my confusion, to have the peace of knowing that I am waiting on the Lord, and in so doing, I can't possibly err!

And now, I feel the warmth of the beams on my face, flowing in rays from the end of the tunnel, and I think: His timing cannot be better. I don't know how close I am to the end of the tunnel- but it's coming, and not a moment too soon, and not a moment too late!

It's hard to sit and do nothing... but I know that waiting on the Lord is the opposite of wasting time.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I remember a man

It is human nature, that when someone hurts us, we want them to feel the extent to which they have broken us. Often, it can become an obsession- thinking out what we could say or what we could do so that they would experience the depth of pain that was inflicted on us.

Today, I remember a man who died so that I wouldn't have to feel how much I've hurt him.


It's a good friday, friends. Best friday of the year.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Just keep singing, Just keep singing! What do we do? We sing, sing: laa laaa laaaa!!

Two and a half years ago, good ole Dad gave me the idea of singing to Him at the freedom-of-speech station in the heart of campus!

Two and a half years later, I take Him up on His idea! Wow... quick to obey! ;)

Mostly, it was just fun!! The best part was definitely the people-- having so many around who love me and love my Dad.

 My View

 Weapon of Choice

Hey, Daddy!

Break for lunch with friends



 Best part!

And again... best part!

I think my absolute favorite part was watching Valerie and Norine dancing for the first 30 minutes I was there! You'll have to look at Chris's video for that treasure, because I don't have any pictures!

BTDubs, all pictures are courtesy of my lovely friend Diana!

Friday, April 1, 2011

I want to be like you

Several days ago was my birth-weekend! :)

Naturally, I decided to spend it at the 'lake resort', tucked away in a remote little town north of Athens. The location was chosen for me by a team of amazing women, who were all congregating together to love, serve, and ultimately, to glorify their Lord.

I have had numerous other get-aways of this same nature, but I realized something on this weekend that I had not noticed before: I always seem find someone at this particular retreat that I long to be like.

I was particularly blessed on this weekend, being that I had at least four wonderful ladies who fit this role. Each one of them has a character that I long to emulate. I found myself slowly following their every move, staring at their feet as they walked. This would seem like wisdom, save that while I was staring below, close on their heels, they were gazing ahead- where they were going. I did not completely overtake them so much as to step on their heels, but I came close enough to have an embarassing stumble as I re-paced my steps before toppling over one of them!

I cannot express my embarassment thereafter. Oh the shame! [Sweet Jesus, who looks on and smiles.]

But I learned this- that my heart longs to have a role model. I yearn to have someone to look up to and to imitate and to aim my life towards becoming more like them.

I raise my glass to you, my darling women- mothers and grandmothers of my heart, for you look where you are going. If I am to be like you, I must not look at you, but I must look to where you are going.

I do hope to see you along the way, sweet world.

Tonight, as I listen to my slow jazz worship, and with the scent of Japanese Cherry Blossom rising above the solitary tea light, I write this in my journal: "Grant me a new heart- a heart that will satisfy itself in You. Grant me the first two commandments in order- that I would love You with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. Father, give me eyes for You and for You alone. Help me to let go of the second command until I get the first command."

As I closed, it came to me that this endeavor was never Him against my heart... truth is- I just want to be more like Him.

This is a journey I can look forward to, that my heart can cling to, and that my soul can pour forth into.

I want to be like You.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Cheeks hurt much?!

So this was a fun weekend...!

Went out to eat, played in a hot tub, decorated a car, jumped on a trampolene, explored a barn, read by a lake, went on a walk, watched the super moon, spent a crazy awesome and much needed night with the Lord, learned how to set up sound equipment, watched a movie, and was thoroughly blessed by my family at home church!

Somewhere within there were several tears, and one very good sob.

But you know what? Nonetheless, today my cheeks are rather sore from smiling so much!!!

Lord, thank you that I can have a good heart-sob, and wake up in the morning with my cheeks burning from the previous day's laughter! HAHA!

Love it. :)

"Weeping may stay for the night, but REJOICING comes with the morning!" Psalm 30:5b.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I Lay my Hand on my Mouth

"And they began to accuse him, saying..." Luke 23:2a.

I'm on a journey these days to relocate myself. Embarassing, really- to realize that you've lost yourself. It's a bit like losing your sunglasses... which are on top of your head. Luckily, though, I know exactly where my true self is hiding- somewhere in the depths of this Man who has been named God.

It would seem that half of me has lost myself in His inner most being [good choice], and the other half of me has wandered off completely like a careless, baa-ing sheep nibbling its way to the nearest cliff! It is the latter half that is now searching for the other. [Great.] But I am simply not complete or at all myself when I am not wholly a part of the one hidden in Him!

In the journey back to my favorite half, my pain riddled heart must first pass through the Lord. As a whole, this is usually quite wonderful; however, once inside the Lord, there is no hiding. There is only exposure. Full-on exposure. And thus, loving Father that He is, He began rubbing away the old scabs to allow them to heal properly. And in the peak of my pain, I accused Him. I don't know that I'd ever been angry with Him before in my life. It was a new experience, and it went about as well as you can imagine.

He bore it patiently, but eventually it became necessary for his jealous heart to serve as iodine to my woundedness. At the time, this meant not allowing me to accuse the only One who could really help:

"And the Lord said to Job:
    'Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
        He who argues with God, let him answer it.'

"Then Job answered the Lord and said:
    'Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
        I lay my hand on my mouth.
     I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
        twice, but I will proceed no further.'

"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
    'Dress for action like a man;
        I will  question you, and you make it known to me.
    Will you even put me in the wrong?
        Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?
    Have you an arm like God,
        and can you thunder with a voice like his?

    'Adorn yourself with majesty and dignity;
       clothe yourself with glory and splendor.
    Pour out the overflowings of your anger,
        and look on everyone who is proud and abase him.
    Look on everyone who is proud and bring him low
        and tread down the wicked where they stand.
    Hide them all in the dust together;
        bind their faces in the world below.
    Then will I also acknowledge to you
        that your own right hand can save you.'"
                                                   ~Job 40:1-14

My arm is not the arm of God, and my voice does not thunder as His does. I have not the ability to adorn myself with majesty or dignity, and I have no such clothing as glory or splendor. My anger at present is not with righteousness that causes the wicked to be brought low, and I have not the strength to tread on the wicked where they stand. I cannot hide them all in the dust, for I am only dust myself.

Thus, I place my hand over my mouth, save to say this: that it is You and Your right hand alone that can save me.

And thus, I find my way to myself. Journey on!

All glory and honor and power belong to the Lord God Almighty, and to His Son, Jesus, my King and my betrothed.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The story continues...

So right now in the story, the heroine has been out of prison for 2 and a half years, and has been running ever since.

Feeling sufficiently far away from the prison, she slows her run in the opposite direction, and finds herself deep within a forest. Various parties in various cottages have housed her along the way, aiding her with their warm meals and warmer hearts. Her pace on the path slows until she is nearly motionless, and she realizes that she feels safe for the first time in a long time. Even before she found herself locked in the depths of a cold and musty entrapment, it was a while before then that she had really felt safe. She found it strange that she should find her peace here, in a deserted wood with no one about to cheer her.

But slowing for the first time after years of running, she could finally hear.

She could hear the fallen leaves at her feet, and the breaking sticks when she decided to take one more step. She could hear her breaths- every inhale and every exhale. She could hear herself!... Her eyes filled with forgotten tears- whether of relief or of pain, she did not know. Nor did she care. All she knew was that it felt like the years were emptying from her eyes, and underneath their floods, she was finding that she was still there somehow. Years of scum and tarnish had left her with little faith that anything of herself remained. But there she was- young and... what was it... hopeful?

She didn't know where she would go, but she knew she wouldn't have to run to get there.

A chorus of birds and squirrels seemed to ring out, almost joyful to be heard by her. Had the squirrels always been this loud? Good heavens the forest is loud! And welcoming. So welcoming. She didn't know if she wanted to lay in the dirt and never move for hours, or if she wanted to go running in every direction off the path, just to make her mark. Just to say that she is here!

I'M HERE! I'M HERE!

I'm here.

Now she knew the tears were happy. She stumbled about as in an unpracticed dance, and eventually took a seat on the fallen tree beside her to rest. She felt the bark on her fingertips, and smiled at the vine growing down its trunk. The vine would help it return to the dirt. And out of that dirt would grow an oak. She was certain of it.

Oaks were her favorite. They had always been her favorite.

She looked up and glanced again down the pathway. It was early evening, and she would still have hours to follow the sun before finding a place to sleep. She didn't want to hurry anymore. She wanted to take it all in. All of it. If the moss was soft, she wanted to feel it. And if the briar stung, she wanted to sense it. There was life in her, and she was going to live it.

She didn't know where she would go, but she knew she wouldn't have to run to get there.



Saturday, February 5, 2011

Clinging

Sometimes my heart clings to things.
Sometimes that is good, and sometimes it's horrible.
Right now it is painful, and good.

You should click the link below to see the main thing I'm clinging to these days.
You won't regret it.

Gungor- "Beautiful Things"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

He gives and takes away, and then...

For some time now I have been hit pretty hard with dreams waking up.  Various nightmares, hardships, and identity stabs.  But through it all, the Lord has awakened me with such sweet revelation, aimed at completely counteracting whatever worry has consumed me in my dreams.

This morning was particularly sweet!

In my dream, I was losing the things I most cared about, and the people who I respect the most were advising that what I was chasing was not right for me. I was losing everything, and at the Lord's doing.

I awoke so upset and downhearted, and fearful that I was clinging to things that were not from the Lord.

But He put this phrase in my mind: "The Lord gives, and He takes away, but He always ends with giving. If He is not giving, it is not the end."  What sweet encouragement!

Then He took me through the relationship of the world and Jesus:

-He was with us in the beginning
-Then the fall led Him to have a degree of separation.
-We waited for thousands of years [with various givings and taking aways of the Lord- all in line with our obedience and disobedience], and then He returned to us!!
-Then He was taken away at His death.
-Then He rose on the 3rd day and was with us again
-Then He ascended to heaven, and we were seemingly without Him. [mt 28:20]
-Then He sent the Holy Spirit to be with us
-Many will be put to death for love of Him
-And then He will return to us, never to leave again!!

And so we can know this of Him: He does indeed give and take away, but He always always ends with giving for those who love Him. If He has not given, it is not the end.

Be encouraged by the original proclamation:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
May the Name of the Lord be praised."
-Job 1:21

What a glorious response on Job's part- in the place of taking away, still He says may the Lord's Name be praised!

But what's great, is that He DIDN'T go to the grave naked!

"After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. [...] The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part."
-Job 42: 10, 12a

The Lord gives, and He takes away, but He always ends with giving! If He he has not given, it is not the end.