Friday, February 5, 2010

Proceed With Caution

So in the summer of 2007, I went on a trip that changed my life! To Honduras.

In 90 seconds: I know no one. I meet the leader at 10:30 the night before leaving. Leave at 4:30 am. Plane is broken, drive to Atlanta. Miss plane. Fly to Florida. Get suck in Florida. Staying in Florida. Get to Honduras. Creepy Honduras man tries to get money from a high school girl and take her passport. Creepy man ends up being our Jesus-loving bus driver with wonderful sense of humor. Play with kids. Get to know students. Lead worship under porch covering. Torrential downpour. Lightning strikes every time we sing "Jesus." Fall in love with people. Kids sing about raising people from the dead. Waterfall of death. Hondurans get arrested. Minister more. Get on bus. Buy fresh pineapples on side of street. Get back on bus. Semi-Truck comes around curve and crashes into Bus... Bus tips. We weep. Jesus saves. We worship. Drive back to cabins. Weep with guitar. Love someone. Laugh with people. Jesus rules. Joy reigns. Fly safely back to Georgia.

[Cannot continue before saying PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!]

What a WONDERFUL trip, indeed!!!! Truly, thank You, Jesus!

But something else incredible happened while I was there. While no one was around.

It was late during one of our nightly worship meetings, and God showed up so sweetly, and so tangibly. I truly could not get enough of Him. And yet, when I wanted Him most, and wanted to sing to Him the whole night through, He gently persuaded me rather to lay down my guitar, and to walk away. I excused myself from the plans that were previously [and desirously] made, walked down to the lower deck, and found myself a chair so close to the woods that it seemed one step closer and I would be in the forest itself. And with the murmur of my team fellowshiping above, I was wholy secluded.

And just as fear began to take hold, He spoke to me:

Do you trust Me?

The flow of thought and conversation that followed is now both a blur and yet unforgetably vivid. And somewhere in the depths of our conversation, He spoke to me about love.

You see, I grew up in an environment of such extravagant love and protection, that there came days when I was even ashamed of how blessed I had been.  And that atmosphere of safe love birthed in me an extravagant lover.  How my parents were terrified!  They poured into me so much love and so much care and so much consideration, yet they knew the world was not all-together loving or protecting or safe.  And my poor naive little heart would bound off into a childish outpouring of love, which would inevitably be manipulated and trashed upon, and rejected, and horribly misused.

And so the world began to tell me that extravagant love was naivety, and that wisdom is to proceed with caution.

And so the Lord spoke to me about love.

Because I had started believing them. I was starting to see it- the rejection; the manipulation; the malice. I'd begun to believe that what I needed were walls of wisdom, and armor of caution. I agreed with them: that wisdom would teach me to proceed with caution.

He told me it was fear.

It was Fear that taught us to proceed with caution.

Given, He is painfully aware that the things we fear are very real and authentic things: deceit, manipulation, rejection... But His truth is this: fear is just as debilitating as the things it guards against. 

If you want wisdom, fear the Lord! [Proverbs 1:7]
If you want freedom, ask for the spirit of the Lord to surround you! [2 Corinthians 3:17]
And if you don't want to be afraid anymore, ask the Lord to let you see His perfectionate love. [1 John 4:18]

He's an affectionate God.  And if you are seeking His love, you will always be safe in it.  And if you are like me, and deep down you just want to find someone that you can actually love with your whole heart, with no fear of it being trampled upon... consider God?  I want to.  I want to love Him who is fully safe to love.  I want to see just how loving I can be.  And then to learn His love, who once said, "If you love only those who love you, what reward will you get?" [Matthew 5:46]

This isn't to say I think we should be unwise in our affection, for Jesus was never deceived! He knew who loved Him, and He knew who meant Him harm.  But there is a way to love in wisdom.  And it includes those who hurt us.  And it includes those who don't love us.

He included me.  I want to include Him.  And someday, when the remnants of fear are gone and I am fearfully obedient to Him, I will include all.  Just like Him.

Until then, my weak love is still authentic. And His perfect love is still sufficient.