I have suffered myself much pain the past handful of years over things that I meant to be good, but had terrible yield. Close friendships that I watched fearfully or tearfully crumble before my eyes, and everything I did seemed to make it worse. I felt so rejected. And we all know how much rejection has good yield........... :) (oops!) It truly took a toll on my emotions, how I viewed myself, and how I viewed people around me. Leave it to the Lord, though, to help save me through marriage.
A few weeks ago my wonderful husband and I were driving along, having a delightful little road trip back home. When much to my surprise, he started getting particularly irritated at a car driving tens of miles under the speed limit [not really surprised at all- it is a strong person indeed who can suffer such torture without becoming irate!]. Nonetheless, seeing my husband flustered, and wanting him to be at peace, I set about trying to cheer him up. Apparently my version of helping was the same as putting out a fire by throwing cans of hair spray on it. Once more, and yet again, my helping made things worse. "I will not attempt to convey the depth of [my] despair." (See Pride and Prejudice). Truly, though, I was extremely hurt by it. How can it be that when I was trying to help, I was made the enemy?! I will not allow anyone at this point to think wrongly of my husband, because in truth, he was not at fault! And that, my friends, is the lesson of freedom the Lord is teaching me.
Sometimes the way we love, or the way we want to help, does no good at all! And when we see that, and yet continue attempting to help in the same way we have been helping (hurting), it becomes the moment we stop loving.
Take Peter... darling, darling Peter. :) Poor bloke! How many times do his good intentions get denied by his very love, Jesus?! He tries to tell Jesus he will not allow him to be killed, and Jesus says "get behind me Satan!" [one of my personal favorite revelations- ask later if interested.] Later, a mob comes to take Jesus captive, Peter draws his sword to defend Him, and Jesus rebukes him. I'll be honest, I would be on the ground sobbing if I were Peter. haha. Still learning the art of criticism here, people. :)
But here's the ticket: Peter can take it, because he has the humility to receive the correction rather than taking in swells of self-pity. Self-pity will kill you! Humility will save you. And believe it or not, humility involves not beating yourself up over something. Take Judas vs. Peter. Judas hung himself, whereas Peter faced Jesus even in his sorrow, and became the rock on which the church was built.
And this is how the Lord is saving me these days. Healing me. Instead of soaking myself in confusion and hurt because my good intentions were rejected, realize that my good intentions were not yielding good fruit! And that's ok! There's nothing wrong with the people who couldn't receive love in the way I tried to give it. Sometimes we need to spend less time feeling hurt, and more time figuring out how to love the person in the way they need to be loved. And if there's one thing you learn in marriage, it's that half the time, the best way to help is to keep your mouth shut! :) Honestly, though: love the way that will help. That's my lesson! And it's making me happy.
And to complete the healing process, there is this:
"And when those who were around him saw what would follow, they said, 'Lord, shall we strike with the sword?' And Simon Peter struck the servant of the high priest and cut off his right ear. The servant's name was Malchus. But Jesus said, 'No more of this!' And he touched his ear and healed him." (combination of Luke 22:49-51 and John 18:10-11) Jesus heals where I wound. And thus I am free!
