"And they began to accuse him, saying..." Luke 23:2a.
I'm on a journey these days to relocate myself. Embarassing, really- to realize that you've lost yourself. It's a bit like losing your sunglasses... which are on top of your head. Luckily, though, I know exactly where my true self is hiding- somewhere in the depths of this Man who has been named God.
It would seem that half of me has lost myself in His inner most being [good choice], and the other half of me has wandered off completely like a careless, baa-ing sheep nibbling its way to the nearest cliff! It is the latter half that is now searching for the other. [Great.] But I am simply not complete or at all myself when I am not wholly a part of the one hidden in Him!
In the journey back to my favorite half, my pain riddled heart must first pass through the Lord. As a whole, this is usually quite wonderful; however, once inside the Lord, there is no hiding. There is only exposure. Full-on exposure. And thus, loving Father that He is, He began rubbing away the old scabs to allow them to heal properly. And in the peak of my pain, I accused Him. I don't know that I'd ever been angry with Him before in my life. It was a new experience, and it went about as well as you can imagine.
He bore it patiently, but eventually it became necessary for his jealous heart to serve as iodine to my woundedness. At the time, this meant not allowing me to accuse the only One who could really help:
"And the Lord said to Job:
'Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer it.'
"Then Job answered the Lord and said:
'Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.'
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
'Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
Will you even put me in the wrong?
Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?
Have you an arm like God,
and can you thunder with a voice like his?
'Adorn yourself with majesty and dignity;
clothe yourself with glory and splendor.
Pour out the overflowings of your anger,
and look on everyone who is proud and abase him.
Look on everyone who is proud and bring him low
and tread down the wicked where they stand.
Hide them all in the dust together;
bind their faces in the world below.
Then will I also acknowledge to you
that your own right hand can save you.'"
~Job 40:1-14
My arm is not the arm of God, and my voice does not thunder as His does. I have not the ability to adorn myself with majesty or dignity, and I have no such clothing as glory or splendor. My anger at present is not with righteousness that causes the wicked to be brought low, and I have not the strength to tread on the wicked where they stand. I cannot hide them all in the dust, for I am only dust myself.
Thus, I place my hand over my mouth, save to say this: that it is You and Your right hand alone that can save me.
And thus, I find my way to myself. Journey on!
All glory and honor and power belong to the Lord God Almighty, and to His Son, Jesus, my King and my betrothed.
