My Hosea

Where is my Hosea.

I was not created for the desert. Where is my Hosea God? You are who I long for. You know I love the moments when You speak tenderly to me and when You allure me sweetly towards righteousness and patience. But right now I need my earlier Hosea. The Hosea that gets me to the desert in the first place.  I need my God whose strength is great enough for me. My broad-shouldered God whose mighty chest is firm enough for me to pound on in my frustration, and yet stands firm knowing at heart that I love Him. I love You, my Lamb, but I am pining after You, my Lion. Where is my God whose roar is louder than my own? Where is He who understands my confusion and hurts with a fire hot enough to turn tables fiercely on their sides?

Where is my Love whose eyes burn with fire? Where is Your mighty horse and Your army of angels? Where is my Commander?

If you find Him, tell Him I need Him. Tell Him I am lovesick over Him.

I was not made for the desert.

Your jealousy has unnerved me, my Husband. I have not acknowledged You, and now I tumble in in the wake of your turmoil. All Your waves and breakers are rushing over me. You have not allowed me to wade peacefully in the waters, but have stirred them in Your frustration over my neglect. You thrash in your pain and I am undone as You writhe so close to me; if You had left me out of disdain I would not have known your exasperation, but you remained close and thus Your commotion affects me. I am in love with You, my Husband. Never leave me. I would rather gurgle in the wake of Your jealousy than to float peacefully with You too far away to feel.

Do not refrain your stubbornness for my affection; I will respond to You. I had forgotten how You loved me. But Your jealousy has sparked the memory. I assumed You would move on without me. But You have not.

You are still here.

Pining.

You are my Hosea.
And I love You.

Refuse to be Denied

I am Yours; You are mine.
I refuse to be denied.
All of You is my heart's cry;
I refuse to be denied.

I'm comin' after You.
I'm comin' after You.
I'm comin' after You.

Though I'm weak, though I'm dry,
I refuse to be denied.
All my life a sacrifice.
I refuse to be denied.

I'm comin' after You.
I'm comin' after You.
I'm comin' after You.

"Refuse to be Denied"
Desperation Band

A Simple Song

Psalm 104:33 I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
Psalm 108:1 My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul.

I don't know what I would do without song. Outside of relationships, it is my most precious gift.

It makes reality more tangible for me. I often find there is more to me than I had imagined with a simple utterance of song. Emotions I would not dare allow myself to address in thought are suddenly acceptable under the blanket of song.

Even silence is better expressed for me in music-
The Lord's avenue for quieting my mind and calming me.

It is His best way of asking me to let go.

I say things to the Lord that I am too afraid to tell Him by way of thought: sometimes believing Him to be more pleased in my song, and sometimes because words alone seem to be an injustice to my message.

My deepest longing is to know Him, and for Him to know me.

I allow myself to be known in song. And in return, His responses to my troubles and my joys reveal to me who He is.

He gave me music so that I would not be stuck in a fantastical allusion of some imagined god. In song, I find that He is closer than I imagine. He hears more than I realize. And I love Him more than I had believed.

In song, my eyes are opened and my ears hear, and I am awakened to a level of reality of His presence that I cannot live without. I dry out without Him.

And so I will sing to the Lord all my life. I will sing praise to my God for as long as I live.
My heart is steadfast, O God. I will sing and make music with my soul.