It has been a crazy couple of months for me.
The year of waiting is up, and suddenly my schedule has managed to fill itself faster than I would have imagined. New relationships, new roles, new places of worship. All glorious and wonderful, for sure!
The trouble is this: I am still relying on old intimacies. I am being asked new questions, and I am trying to respond with old answers.
This scripture, while meant to be an exhortation against others, hit me with a needed conviction:
"Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions. He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow." Col 2:18-19.
I sit, ashamed, thinking about the number of times lately that I have relayed old visions for the sake of having anything to share at all. Knowing, several times, that the time was not right.
I have wearied myself with seclusion from the Head. I have not gone to Him as much with my fears, or with my everyday thoughts, and I have not sat with Him and listened. I have not waited for Him to love on me much. It is as though I have come to my 2 year reunion, and all I have is stories from 2 years ago. Revelations from 2 years ago.
Given, I have certainly had plenty of very sweet times with Him in the past 2 years, but it seems as though 2 weeks apart from Him can feel like 2 years. Jesus wasn't kidding when He said "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God," (Mathew 4:4, Deut 8:3).
I have starved myself from His word. Not being with Him is like putting a tourniquet around my left arm. I am cutting off the blood flow, and suffering in the tingling and numbness. I want to help others, but have not the strength to get to them. I want to share His words, but my mouth cannot speak unless the Head gives it words.
And I miss Him. I miss His freedom. I miss the joy that comes just from being with Him. I miss the peace that comes in trusting Him. I miss the Hope, and the assurance therein. I miss Him.
I'm just happy that it's not over until the fat lady sings!
I spent the tiniest amount of time with Him tonight. It kind of felt like getting a small glass of water after having cotton mouth for a while. The tongue is feeling better, but I'm aware that I still need more water before I'm rehydrated. But I'm looking forward to it! Plenty of cool water where that came from.
In the meantime, I hope the Lord protects my friends, any who seek encouragement from me, and a beautiful young lady who asked me to pour into her this summer. I really have nothing apart from the Head, and I have to trust that He will feed them through me when He can, and use countless other sources when I fall short.
To Him be the glory!
