So here's a well-welcomed slap in the paradigmatic face: many times what I had been considering to be a feeling of repentance was really just a fear inside me that I would be rejected by God. I remember many times struggling through repentance, riddled with fear, and confused. Why was my repentance not alleviating my fear? It is because my 'I'm sorry's were really more pleas of 'please don't look at me.'
I won't pretend to describe how settling it was this morning when I was working through something and asked the Lord for forgiveness, and His response was 'You are afraid I will reject you.' I wasn't really asking for forgiveness... It was the only thing I knew to say in the presence of rejection.
Leave it to Him to ignore my request for forgiveness and go straight to "I'm not rejecting you..."
So many scriptures flood the mind: "His kindness leads to repentance" [not my repentance leads to His kindness] "approach the throne of grace with confidence"...
I could write about 10 blogs on this, but however poorly executed it may be in my own life, I do really believe that repentance is much less about how filthy we are, and much more about how incredibly holy He is. If I want to understand repentance and forgiveness at all, I need to sit and gaze at His righteousness and soak in His holiness. I mean truly sit in amazement and in awe of His glory.
Only then I can realize that Jesus was enough for me. And out of that place, I will find true repentance. Because then it is not out of a debilitating fear that I will be rejected... it is in a place of faith knowing that "oh my Lord, He is so holy and pure and perfect, and He was enough for me, and I am accepted by You and by Him..." and out of a place of acceptance... to ask for His forgiveness.
Have you ever had a friend so wonderful that you are able to lay your failures right before them, and know the whole time that they will accept you? It is somewhat rare and incredibly beautiful and freeing.
To be on friendly terms with God is just an incredible thing, and it really is no wonder that I have such a hard time fathoming it when I feel like I should have disappointed Him. But when I take my eyes off myself and really consider who He is... I can ask forgiveness out of a place of friendship. And that is freeing.
That is when repentance will lead to what I had thought it would lead to all this time: rest. (Isaiah 30:15a)
