I am experiencing one of the sweetest realizations I have had all year, and one that I hope to take with me for the rest of my life! And that is this:
I am never wasting time by waiting on the Lord. It is quite the opposite!
Sometimes I am waiting on the Lord to get me out of something bad, and sometimes I am waiting on Him to give me the go ahead on something good. As hard as the hard times are... I think sometimes it can be just as hard if not harder to wait on Him to tell you you can do something good!
Either way, it's worth it. It's so worth it.
If there's one theme in my weirdo Jesus-freak dreams, where I dream of His returning to this wonderful and broken world, it is this: with all of the destruction, all of the pain and killings and fear- when the Lord finally sweeps in- I am overwhelmed with this rush of joy and fulfillment, and every time, it feels like He came too soon!! I will be crying out for Him at one point, and then He sweeps in suddenly, and at that instant I am undone and completely overwhelmed. It never fails in these recurring, but different dreams, that when He gets to me, it feels like His timing was earlier than it should have been!
I have been convinced all year that 2011 is going to be an AMAZING year! A year set apart for redemption!
We are almost 5 months in, and so far the year has mostly been waiting and trusting. It has been riddled with confusion, wetted with tears, and yet flooded with hope.
Reading these last words- confusion, tears, and hope... surely these are the ingredients for redemption, yes?!
What sweet freedom I have had so far this year, in the midst of my confusion, to have the peace of knowing that I am waiting on the Lord, and in so doing, I can't possibly err!
And now, I feel the warmth of the beams on my face, flowing in rays from the end of the tunnel, and I think: His timing cannot be better. I don't know how close I am to the end of the tunnel- but it's coming, and not a moment too soon, and not a moment too late!
It's hard to sit and do nothing... but I know that waiting on the Lord is the opposite of wasting time.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
I remember a man
It is human nature, that when someone hurts us, we want them to feel the extent to which they have broken us. Often, it can become an obsession- thinking out what we could say or what we could do so that they would experience the depth of pain that was inflicted on us.
Today, I remember a man who died so that I wouldn't have to feel how much I've hurt him.
It's a good friday, friends. Best friday of the year.
Today, I remember a man who died so that I wouldn't have to feel how much I've hurt him.
It's a good friday, friends. Best friday of the year.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Just keep singing, Just keep singing! What do we do? We sing, sing: laa laaa laaaa!!
Two and a half years ago, good ole Dad gave me the idea of singing to Him at the freedom-of-speech station in the heart of campus!
Two and a half years later, I take Him up on His idea! Wow... quick to obey! ;)
Mostly, it was just fun!! The best part was definitely the people-- having so many around who love me and love my Dad.
Two and a half years later, I take Him up on His idea! Wow... quick to obey! ;)
Mostly, it was just fun!! The best part was definitely the people-- having so many around who love me and love my Dad.
My View
Weapon of Choice
Hey, Daddy!
Break for lunch with friends
Best part!
And again... best part!
I think my absolute favorite part was watching Valerie and Norine dancing for the first 30 minutes I was there! You'll have to look at Chris's video for that treasure, because I don't have any pictures!
BTDubs, all pictures are courtesy of my lovely friend Diana!
Friday, April 1, 2011
I want to be like you
Several days ago was my birth-weekend! :)
Naturally, I decided to spend it at the 'lake resort', tucked away in a remote little town north of Athens. The location was chosen for me by a team of amazing women, who were all congregating together to love, serve, and ultimately, to glorify their Lord.
I have had numerous other get-aways of this same nature, but I realized something on this weekend that I had not noticed before: I always seem find someone at this particular retreat that I long to be like.
I was particularly blessed on this weekend, being that I had at least four wonderful ladies who fit this role. Each one of them has a character that I long to emulate. I found myself slowly following their every move, staring at their feet as they walked. This would seem like wisdom, save that while I was staring below, close on their heels, they were gazing ahead- where they were going. I did not completely overtake them so much as to step on their heels, but I came close enough to have an embarassing stumble as I re-paced my steps before toppling over one of them!
I cannot express my embarassment thereafter. Oh the shame! [Sweet Jesus, who looks on and smiles.]
But I learned this- that my heart longs to have a role model. I yearn to have someone to look up to and to imitate and to aim my life towards becoming more like them.
I raise my glass to you, my darling women- mothers and grandmothers of my heart, for you look where you are going. If I am to be like you, I must not look at you, but I must look to where you are going.
I do hope to see you along the way, sweet world.
Tonight, as I listen to my slow jazz worship, and with the scent of Japanese Cherry Blossom rising above the solitary tea light, I write this in my journal: "Grant me a new heart- a heart that will satisfy itself in You. Grant me the first two commandments in order- that I would love You with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. Father, give me eyes for You and for You alone. Help me to let go of the second command until I get the first command."
As I closed, it came to me that this endeavor was never Him against my heart... truth is- I just want to be more like Him.
This is a journey I can look forward to, that my heart can cling to, and that my soul can pour forth into.
I want to be like You.
Naturally, I decided to spend it at the 'lake resort', tucked away in a remote little town north of Athens. The location was chosen for me by a team of amazing women, who were all congregating together to love, serve, and ultimately, to glorify their Lord.
I have had numerous other get-aways of this same nature, but I realized something on this weekend that I had not noticed before: I always seem find someone at this particular retreat that I long to be like.
I was particularly blessed on this weekend, being that I had at least four wonderful ladies who fit this role. Each one of them has a character that I long to emulate. I found myself slowly following their every move, staring at their feet as they walked. This would seem like wisdom, save that while I was staring below, close on their heels, they were gazing ahead- where they were going. I did not completely overtake them so much as to step on their heels, but I came close enough to have an embarassing stumble as I re-paced my steps before toppling over one of them!
I cannot express my embarassment thereafter. Oh the shame! [Sweet Jesus, who looks on and smiles.]
But I learned this- that my heart longs to have a role model. I yearn to have someone to look up to and to imitate and to aim my life towards becoming more like them.
I raise my glass to you, my darling women- mothers and grandmothers of my heart, for you look where you are going. If I am to be like you, I must not look at you, but I must look to where you are going.
I do hope to see you along the way, sweet world.
Tonight, as I listen to my slow jazz worship, and with the scent of Japanese Cherry Blossom rising above the solitary tea light, I write this in my journal: "Grant me a new heart- a heart that will satisfy itself in You. Grant me the first two commandments in order- that I would love You with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. Father, give me eyes for You and for You alone. Help me to let go of the second command until I get the first command."
As I closed, it came to me that this endeavor was never Him against my heart... truth is- I just want to be more like Him.
This is a journey I can look forward to, that my heart can cling to, and that my soul can pour forth into.
I want to be like You.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Cheeks hurt much?!
So this was a fun weekend...!
Went out to eat, played in a hot tub, decorated a car, jumped on a trampolene, explored a barn, read by a lake, went on a walk, watched the super moon, spent a crazy awesome and much needed night with the Lord, learned how to set up sound equipment, watched a movie, and was thoroughly blessed by my family at home church!
Somewhere within there were several tears, and one very good sob.
But you know what? Nonetheless, today my cheeks are rather sore from smiling so much!!!
Lord, thank you that I can have a good heart-sob, and wake up in the morning with my cheeks burning from the previous day's laughter! HAHA!
Love it. :)
"Weeping may stay for the night, but REJOICING comes with the morning!" Psalm 30:5b.
Went out to eat, played in a hot tub, decorated a car, jumped on a trampolene, explored a barn, read by a lake, went on a walk, watched the super moon, spent a crazy awesome and much needed night with the Lord, learned how to set up sound equipment, watched a movie, and was thoroughly blessed by my family at home church!
Somewhere within there were several tears, and one very good sob.
But you know what? Nonetheless, today my cheeks are rather sore from smiling so much!!!
Lord, thank you that I can have a good heart-sob, and wake up in the morning with my cheeks burning from the previous day's laughter! HAHA!
Love it. :)
"Weeping may stay for the night, but REJOICING comes with the morning!" Psalm 30:5b.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I Lay my Hand on my Mouth
"And they began to accuse him, saying..." Luke 23:2a.
I'm on a journey these days to relocate myself. Embarassing, really- to realize that you've lost yourself. It's a bit like losing your sunglasses... which are on top of your head. Luckily, though, I know exactly where my true self is hiding- somewhere in the depths of this Man who has been named God.
It would seem that half of me has lost myself in His inner most being [good choice], and the other half of me has wandered off completely like a careless, baa-ing sheep nibbling its way to the nearest cliff! It is the latter half that is now searching for the other. [Great.] But I am simply not complete or at all myself when I am not wholly a part of the one hidden in Him!
In the journey back to my favorite half, my pain riddled heart must first pass through the Lord. As a whole, this is usually quite wonderful; however, once inside the Lord, there is no hiding. There is only exposure. Full-on exposure. And thus, loving Father that He is, He began rubbing away the old scabs to allow them to heal properly. And in the peak of my pain, I accused Him. I don't know that I'd ever been angry with Him before in my life. It was a new experience, and it went about as well as you can imagine.
He bore it patiently, but eventually it became necessary for his jealous heart to serve as iodine to my woundedness. At the time, this meant not allowing me to accuse the only One who could really help:
"And the Lord said to Job:
'Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer it.'
"Then Job answered the Lord and said:
'Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.'
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
'Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
Will you even put me in the wrong?
Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?
Have you an arm like God,
and can you thunder with a voice like his?
'Adorn yourself with majesty and dignity;
clothe yourself with glory and splendor.
Pour out the overflowings of your anger,
and look on everyone who is proud and abase him.
Look on everyone who is proud and bring him low
and tread down the wicked where they stand.
Hide them all in the dust together;
bind their faces in the world below.
Then will I also acknowledge to you
that your own right hand can save you.'"
~Job 40:1-14
My arm is not the arm of God, and my voice does not thunder as His does. I have not the ability to adorn myself with majesty or dignity, and I have no such clothing as glory or splendor. My anger at present is not with righteousness that causes the wicked to be brought low, and I have not the strength to tread on the wicked where they stand. I cannot hide them all in the dust, for I am only dust myself.
Thus, I place my hand over my mouth, save to say this: that it is You and Your right hand alone that can save me.
And thus, I find my way to myself. Journey on!
All glory and honor and power belong to the Lord God Almighty, and to His Son, Jesus, my King and my betrothed.
I'm on a journey these days to relocate myself. Embarassing, really- to realize that you've lost yourself. It's a bit like losing your sunglasses... which are on top of your head. Luckily, though, I know exactly where my true self is hiding- somewhere in the depths of this Man who has been named God.
It would seem that half of me has lost myself in His inner most being [good choice], and the other half of me has wandered off completely like a careless, baa-ing sheep nibbling its way to the nearest cliff! It is the latter half that is now searching for the other. [Great.] But I am simply not complete or at all myself when I am not wholly a part of the one hidden in Him!
In the journey back to my favorite half, my pain riddled heart must first pass through the Lord. As a whole, this is usually quite wonderful; however, once inside the Lord, there is no hiding. There is only exposure. Full-on exposure. And thus, loving Father that He is, He began rubbing away the old scabs to allow them to heal properly. And in the peak of my pain, I accused Him. I don't know that I'd ever been angry with Him before in my life. It was a new experience, and it went about as well as you can imagine.
He bore it patiently, but eventually it became necessary for his jealous heart to serve as iodine to my woundedness. At the time, this meant not allowing me to accuse the only One who could really help:
"And the Lord said to Job:
'Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer it.'
"Then Job answered the Lord and said:
'Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.'
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
'Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
Will you even put me in the wrong?
Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?
Have you an arm like God,
and can you thunder with a voice like his?
'Adorn yourself with majesty and dignity;
clothe yourself with glory and splendor.
Pour out the overflowings of your anger,
and look on everyone who is proud and abase him.
Look on everyone who is proud and bring him low
and tread down the wicked where they stand.
Hide them all in the dust together;
bind their faces in the world below.
Then will I also acknowledge to you
that your own right hand can save you.'"
~Job 40:1-14
My arm is not the arm of God, and my voice does not thunder as His does. I have not the ability to adorn myself with majesty or dignity, and I have no such clothing as glory or splendor. My anger at present is not with righteousness that causes the wicked to be brought low, and I have not the strength to tread on the wicked where they stand. I cannot hide them all in the dust, for I am only dust myself.
Thus, I place my hand over my mouth, save to say this: that it is You and Your right hand alone that can save me.
And thus, I find my way to myself. Journey on!
All glory and honor and power belong to the Lord God Almighty, and to His Son, Jesus, my King and my betrothed.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The story continues...
So right now in the story, the heroine has been out of prison for 2 and a half years, and has been running ever since.
Feeling sufficiently far away from the prison, she slows her run in the opposite direction, and finds herself deep within a forest. Various parties in various cottages have housed her along the way, aiding her with their warm meals and warmer hearts. Her pace on the path slows until she is nearly motionless, and she realizes that she feels safe for the first time in a long time. Even before she found herself locked in the depths of a cold and musty entrapment, it was a while before then that she had really felt safe. She found it strange that she should find her peace here, in a deserted wood with no one about to cheer her.
But slowing for the first time after years of running, she could finally hear.
She could hear the fallen leaves at her feet, and the breaking sticks when she decided to take one more step. She could hear her breaths- every inhale and every exhale. She could hear herself!... Her eyes filled with forgotten tears- whether of relief or of pain, she did not know. Nor did she care. All she knew was that it felt like the years were emptying from her eyes, and underneath their floods, she was finding that she was still there somehow. Years of scum and tarnish had left her with little faith that anything of herself remained. But there she was- young and... what was it... hopeful?
She didn't know where she would go, but she knew she wouldn't have to run to get there.
A chorus of birds and squirrels seemed to ring out, almost joyful to be heard by her. Had the squirrels always been this loud? Good heavens the forest is loud! And welcoming. So welcoming. She didn't know if she wanted to lay in the dirt and never move for hours, or if she wanted to go running in every direction off the path, just to make her mark. Just to say that she is here!
I'M HERE! I'M HERE!
I'm here.
Now she knew the tears were happy. She stumbled about as in an unpracticed dance, and eventually took a seat on the fallen tree beside her to rest. She felt the bark on her fingertips, and smiled at the vine growing down its trunk. The vine would help it return to the dirt. And out of that dirt would grow an oak. She was certain of it.
Oaks were her favorite. They had always been her favorite.
She looked up and glanced again down the pathway. It was early evening, and she would still have hours to follow the sun before finding a place to sleep. She didn't want to hurry anymore. She wanted to take it all in. All of it. If the moss was soft, she wanted to feel it. And if the briar stung, she wanted to sense it. There was life in her, and she was going to live it.
She didn't know where she would go, but she knew she wouldn't have to run to get there.
Feeling sufficiently far away from the prison, she slows her run in the opposite direction, and finds herself deep within a forest. Various parties in various cottages have housed her along the way, aiding her with their warm meals and warmer hearts. Her pace on the path slows until she is nearly motionless, and she realizes that she feels safe for the first time in a long time. Even before she found herself locked in the depths of a cold and musty entrapment, it was a while before then that she had really felt safe. She found it strange that she should find her peace here, in a deserted wood with no one about to cheer her.
But slowing for the first time after years of running, she could finally hear.
She could hear the fallen leaves at her feet, and the breaking sticks when she decided to take one more step. She could hear her breaths- every inhale and every exhale. She could hear herself!... Her eyes filled with forgotten tears- whether of relief or of pain, she did not know. Nor did she care. All she knew was that it felt like the years were emptying from her eyes, and underneath their floods, she was finding that she was still there somehow. Years of scum and tarnish had left her with little faith that anything of herself remained. But there she was- young and... what was it... hopeful?
She didn't know where she would go, but she knew she wouldn't have to run to get there.
A chorus of birds and squirrels seemed to ring out, almost joyful to be heard by her. Had the squirrels always been this loud? Good heavens the forest is loud! And welcoming. So welcoming. She didn't know if she wanted to lay in the dirt and never move for hours, or if she wanted to go running in every direction off the path, just to make her mark. Just to say that she is here!
I'M HERE! I'M HERE!
I'm here.
Now she knew the tears were happy. She stumbled about as in an unpracticed dance, and eventually took a seat on the fallen tree beside her to rest. She felt the bark on her fingertips, and smiled at the vine growing down its trunk. The vine would help it return to the dirt. And out of that dirt would grow an oak. She was certain of it.
Oaks were her favorite. They had always been her favorite.
She looked up and glanced again down the pathway. It was early evening, and she would still have hours to follow the sun before finding a place to sleep. She didn't want to hurry anymore. She wanted to take it all in. All of it. If the moss was soft, she wanted to feel it. And if the briar stung, she wanted to sense it. There was life in her, and she was going to live it.
She didn't know where she would go, but she knew she wouldn't have to run to get there.
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