Monotony and Glory
A day, like any other day, in the life of Kelli.
Well. It begins at 6:30 am, when I am rudely awakened by the loud screeching of my alarm clock-- the alarm clock that my responsible self has stationed at the opposite side of the room so that I am forced to climb out of bed and drag myself across the floor to turn off. [how I hate resonsibility at this hour.] Snooze, as planned, for 15 minutes. Then begins the fight to wrestle myself out of the mangled comforter which has somehow twisted itself around me. Return my pajama pants to their correct tag-in-the-back position.
Shower. Barely get ready in time. And not because I haven’t allotted enough time, but because even responsible kelli cannot account for the fact that my kelli-time in the morning stretches itself for as long as possible, and I find myself throwing dress clothes on at the last minute. If I were more composed in life I would chastise myself right now for this fact, but in honesty, I prize those minutes of sanity far more than the perfection of my hair. It seems I am more concerned with composing my thoughts than my appearance.
8 am, arrive at work. And dial. Dial for 7.5 hours. Dial a minimum of 130 people. Some of them pleasant, some of them humiliating, but most of them not bothering to answer at all.
5 pm, 9 hours later, walk outside and breathe in the outdoors.
At this point, I will occupy myself with various somethings and nothings for the next 6 hours before bed.
And then wake up, and do it all again.
I can’t help but hear the words of Misty Edwards echoing in my head: “What. Is the point?!”
Monotony and Glory.
Truth? I don't know. I know I am here to be loved by Him, and to love Him. But why the monotony? Most of us have a dream and a calling that will bring us joy to fulfill, But the reality is that most people will also find themselves in a season of monotony- a season of the in-between.
Monotony and glory. I know it's there. I know there is glory hiding in the shadows of monotony.
Why was Paul a tent maker? Did he enjoy it? What did the Lord think of him while he made tents? And why was Moses in Midian for so long before returning to Egypt? Why did David have to spend so many years running around a mountain before becoming King, when he had been chosen and anointed years before?
I just hear David on the mountain crying, "Oh God, where is Your glory?!?!" Let me look on the beauty of your face all the days of my life. Please! I am desperate for this. How will I survive, otherwise?
And so I come, singing over myself "monotony and glory, kelli. monotony and glory." And still having little revelation, and having little idea of where to go.
What do we do, when monotony hits the hardest?
So far, this is all I have:
"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." [Colossians 3:1-4]
And,
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." [Colossians 3:15]
At the end of the day, no matter how I have spent it, He is enthroned, and He still is who He is.
Therein lies my peace.
I will need strength for the valley ; I will need strength when my enemies torment me.
But even as silly and frail as it is, Lord, I need strength for the monotony.
Monotony and glory. Oh God, be glorified in me!
"'Father, glorify your name!' Then a voice came from heaven, 'I have glorified it, and will glorify it again.'"
~ John 12:28
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Proceed With Caution
So in the summer of 2007, I went on a trip that changed my life! To Honduras.
In 90 seconds: I know no one. I meet the leader at 10:30 the night before leaving. Leave at 4:30 am. Plane is broken, drive to Atlanta. Miss plane. Fly to Florida. Get suck in Florida. Staying in Florida. Get to Honduras. Creepy Honduras man tries to get money from a high school girl and take her passport. Creepy man ends up being our Jesus-loving bus driver with wonderful sense of humor. Play with kids. Get to know students. Lead worship under porch covering. Torrential downpour. Lightning strikes every time we sing "Jesus." Fall in love with people. Kids sing about raising people from the dead. Waterfall of death. Hondurans get arrested. Minister more. Get on bus. Buy fresh pineapples on side of street. Get back on bus. Semi-Truck comes around curve and crashes into Bus... Bus tips. We weep. Jesus saves. We worship. Drive back to cabins. Weep with guitar. Love someone. Laugh with people. Jesus rules. Joy reigns. Fly safely back to Georgia.
[Cannot continue before saying PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!]
What a WONDERFUL trip, indeed!!!! Truly, thank You, Jesus!
But something else incredible happened while I was there. While no one was around.
It was late during one of our nightly worship meetings, and God showed up so sweetly, and so tangibly. I truly could not get enough of Him. And yet, when I wanted Him most, and wanted to sing to Him the whole night through, He gently persuaded me rather to lay down my guitar, and to walk away. I excused myself from the plans that were previously [and desirously] made, walked down to the lower deck, and found myself a chair so close to the woods that it seemed one step closer and I would be in the forest itself. And with the murmur of my team fellowshiping above, I was wholy secluded.
And just as fear began to take hold, He spoke to me:
Do you trust Me?
The flow of thought and conversation that followed is now both a blur and yet unforgetably vivid. And somewhere in the depths of our conversation, He spoke to me about love.
You see, I grew up in an environment of such extravagant love and protection, that there came days when I was even ashamed of how blessed I had been. And that atmosphere of safe love birthed in me an extravagant lover. How my parents were terrified! They poured into me so much love and so much care and so much consideration, yet they knew the world was not all-together loving or protecting or safe. And my poor naive little heart would bound off into a childish outpouring of love, which would inevitably be manipulated and trashed upon, and rejected, and horribly misused.
And so the world began to tell me that extravagant love was naivety, and that wisdom is to proceed with caution.
And so the Lord spoke to me about love.
Because I had started believing them. I was starting to see it- the rejection; the manipulation; the malice. I'd begun to believe that what I needed were walls of wisdom, and armor of caution. I agreed with them: that wisdom would teach me to proceed with caution.
He told me it was fear.
It was Fear that taught us to proceed with caution.
Given, He is painfully aware that the things we fear are very real and authentic things: deceit, manipulation, rejection... But His truth is this: fear is just as debilitating as the things it guards against.
If you want wisdom, fear the Lord! [Proverbs 1:7]
If you want freedom, ask for the spirit of the Lord to surround you! [2 Corinthians 3:17]
And if you don't want to be afraid anymore, ask the Lord to let you see His perfectionate love. [1 John 4:18]
He's an affectionate God. And if you are seeking His love, you will always be safe in it. And if you are like me, and deep down you just want to find someone that you can actually love with your whole heart, with no fear of it being trampled upon... consider God? I want to. I want to love Him who is fully safe to love. I want to see just how loving I can be. And then to learn His love, who once said, "If you love only those who love you, what reward will you get?" [Matthew 5:46]
This isn't to say I think we should be unwise in our affection, for Jesus was never deceived! He knew who loved Him, and He knew who meant Him harm. But there is a way to love in wisdom. And it includes those who hurt us. And it includes those who don't love us.
He included me. I want to include Him. And someday, when the remnants of fear are gone and I am fearfully obedient to Him, I will include all. Just like Him.
Until then, my weak love is still authentic. And His perfect love is still sufficient.
In 90 seconds: I know no one. I meet the leader at 10:30 the night before leaving. Leave at 4:30 am. Plane is broken, drive to Atlanta. Miss plane. Fly to Florida. Get suck in Florida. Staying in Florida. Get to Honduras. Creepy Honduras man tries to get money from a high school girl and take her passport. Creepy man ends up being our Jesus-loving bus driver with wonderful sense of humor. Play with kids. Get to know students. Lead worship under porch covering. Torrential downpour. Lightning strikes every time we sing "Jesus." Fall in love with people. Kids sing about raising people from the dead. Waterfall of death. Hondurans get arrested. Minister more. Get on bus. Buy fresh pineapples on side of street. Get back on bus. Semi-Truck comes around curve and crashes into Bus... Bus tips. We weep. Jesus saves. We worship. Drive back to cabins. Weep with guitar. Love someone. Laugh with people. Jesus rules. Joy reigns. Fly safely back to Georgia.
[Cannot continue before saying PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!]
What a WONDERFUL trip, indeed!!!! Truly, thank You, Jesus!
But something else incredible happened while I was there. While no one was around.
It was late during one of our nightly worship meetings, and God showed up so sweetly, and so tangibly. I truly could not get enough of Him. And yet, when I wanted Him most, and wanted to sing to Him the whole night through, He gently persuaded me rather to lay down my guitar, and to walk away. I excused myself from the plans that were previously [and desirously] made, walked down to the lower deck, and found myself a chair so close to the woods that it seemed one step closer and I would be in the forest itself. And with the murmur of my team fellowshiping above, I was wholy secluded.
And just as fear began to take hold, He spoke to me:
Do you trust Me?
The flow of thought and conversation that followed is now both a blur and yet unforgetably vivid. And somewhere in the depths of our conversation, He spoke to me about love.
You see, I grew up in an environment of such extravagant love and protection, that there came days when I was even ashamed of how blessed I had been. And that atmosphere of safe love birthed in me an extravagant lover. How my parents were terrified! They poured into me so much love and so much care and so much consideration, yet they knew the world was not all-together loving or protecting or safe. And my poor naive little heart would bound off into a childish outpouring of love, which would inevitably be manipulated and trashed upon, and rejected, and horribly misused.
And so the world began to tell me that extravagant love was naivety, and that wisdom is to proceed with caution.
And so the Lord spoke to me about love.
Because I had started believing them. I was starting to see it- the rejection; the manipulation; the malice. I'd begun to believe that what I needed were walls of wisdom, and armor of caution. I agreed with them: that wisdom would teach me to proceed with caution.
He told me it was fear.
It was Fear that taught us to proceed with caution.
Given, He is painfully aware that the things we fear are very real and authentic things: deceit, manipulation, rejection... But His truth is this: fear is just as debilitating as the things it guards against.
If you want wisdom, fear the Lord! [Proverbs 1:7]
If you want freedom, ask for the spirit of the Lord to surround you! [2 Corinthians 3:17]
And if you don't want to be afraid anymore, ask the Lord to let you see His perfectionate love. [1 John 4:18]
He's an affectionate God. And if you are seeking His love, you will always be safe in it. And if you are like me, and deep down you just want to find someone that you can actually love with your whole heart, with no fear of it being trampled upon... consider God? I want to. I want to love Him who is fully safe to love. I want to see just how loving I can be. And then to learn His love, who once said, "If you love only those who love you, what reward will you get?" [Matthew 5:46]
This isn't to say I think we should be unwise in our affection, for Jesus was never deceived! He knew who loved Him, and He knew who meant Him harm. But there is a way to love in wisdom. And it includes those who hurt us. And it includes those who don't love us.
He included me. I want to include Him. And someday, when the remnants of fear are gone and I am fearfully obedient to Him, I will include all. Just like Him.
Until then, my weak love is still authentic. And His perfect love is still sufficient.
Monday, January 25, 2010
A little less armor
I am realizing I think the Lord wants to walk me into vulnerability again.
Willingly. It is very much a point where I know He has asked my permission.
And He has been so patient for so long. I trust Him.
And now my arm is in His and He is walking me down the aisle to vulnerability.
And I'm scared.
And at the same time, so excited.
I really want this. I really want to be open with Him again, and to trust His children again.
Life means knowing Him. ..... here we go.
Willingly. It is very much a point where I know He has asked my permission.
And He has been so patient for so long. I trust Him.
And now my arm is in His and He is walking me down the aisle to vulnerability.
And I'm scared.
And at the same time, so excited.
I really want this. I really want to be open with Him again, and to trust His children again.
Life means knowing Him. ..... here we go.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I love You; I'll prove it...
I love You. And I'll prove it!
Wonderful revelation the other day... one of those that you know was God, because you certainly weren't going to come up with it on your own?!...
I think a lot about loving God more, and showing it to Him. Half the time I think I'm trying to convince myself-- constantly seeking evidence of my love for Him, just to make sure I'm not making up my affections out of nothing. He seems to be so clever at determining who genuinely loves Him, and who has falsely convinced themselves that they do. [Matthew 7:21-23]
Sometimes I'll just say it over and over, believing that the more I say it, the more He will believe me...
'I love You. I love You. I love You...'
I love You; I'll prove it...
Sometimes I will think about all those times I responded to Him and loved His children.
"If you love me, feed my sheep." -John 21: 15, 16, 17
'Remember that time I...?'
'I will love him...'
'I will love her...'
I love You; I'll prove it...
Most the time I think about how obedient I have or haven't been. Sulking on all the many times I have completely flung myself outside of His will or commandments, and banking on my moments of obedience.
"If you love me, you will obey My commands." -John 14:15
'I wanted to do this, but I didn't...'
'You asked me to do that, and I did...'
I love you; I'll prove it...
And then it begins.
'I remember when I was angry with You...'
'I remember when I flung her to the wolves, and pierced his heart...'
'I remember when You begged me not to do that, and I did it over and over and over.
Everytime You asked me not to, I did it.
You told me to surrender, and I clung.
You asked me not to judge her, and I did.
You asked me to be gentle with him, and I was careless.
I don't remember what I'm proving....
And the fear...
'Do I love You?'
'I love You.... i love You.... i...'
'do i?'
'do i love you at all?'
And then on an ordinary Sunday, just because He loves me... He opened my eyes...
'I love You. And I'll prove it...'
'You'll never fall in love with Me by analyzing yourself...'
freedom.
Do I love Him? .... LOOK at Him!
-He abounds in love! [Exodus 34:6]
-I can't even fathom His understanding [Isaiah 40:28]
-He is stubbornly patient with me [1 Timothy 1:16]
-He takes pleasure in me [Song of Solomon 2:14]
-All glory and honor and power and wealth and wisdom and strength and praise are His. Forever. [Revelation 5:12] And let's face it; that's attractive.
......
-He loves me. more than anyone [John 15:13]
Of course I love Him. Because look at Him.
Wonderful revelation the other day... one of those that you know was God, because you certainly weren't going to come up with it on your own?!...
I think a lot about loving God more, and showing it to Him. Half the time I think I'm trying to convince myself-- constantly seeking evidence of my love for Him, just to make sure I'm not making up my affections out of nothing. He seems to be so clever at determining who genuinely loves Him, and who has falsely convinced themselves that they do. [Matthew 7:21-23]
Sometimes I'll just say it over and over, believing that the more I say it, the more He will believe me...
'I love You. I love You. I love You...'
I love You; I'll prove it...
Sometimes I will think about all those times I responded to Him and loved His children.
"If you love me, feed my sheep." -John 21: 15, 16, 17
'Remember that time I...?'
'I will love him...'
'I will love her...'
I love You; I'll prove it...
Most the time I think about how obedient I have or haven't been. Sulking on all the many times I have completely flung myself outside of His will or commandments, and banking on my moments of obedience.
"If you love me, you will obey My commands." -John 14:15
'I wanted to do this, but I didn't...'
'You asked me to do that, and I did...'
I love you; I'll prove it...
And then it begins.
'I remember when I was angry with You...'
'I remember when I flung her to the wolves, and pierced his heart...'
'I remember when You begged me not to do that, and I did it over and over and over.
Everytime You asked me not to, I did it.
You told me to surrender, and I clung.
You asked me not to judge her, and I did.
You asked me to be gentle with him, and I was careless.
I don't remember what I'm proving....
And the fear...
'Do I love You?'
'I love You.... i love You.... i...'
'do i?'
'do i love you at all?'
And then on an ordinary Sunday, just because He loves me... He opened my eyes...
'I love You. And I'll prove it...'
'You'll never fall in love with Me by analyzing yourself...'
freedom.
Do I love Him? .... LOOK at Him!
-He abounds in love! [Exodus 34:6]
-I can't even fathom His understanding [Isaiah 40:28]
-He is stubbornly patient with me [1 Timothy 1:16]
-He takes pleasure in me [Song of Solomon 2:14]
-All glory and honor and power and wealth and wisdom and strength and praise are His. Forever. [Revelation 5:12] And let's face it; that's attractive.
......
-He loves me. more than anyone [John 15:13]
Of course I love Him. Because look at Him.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Baby Confessions
"BABY, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray"
So what do these wonderfully compelling lyrics of the hit Seal song have to do with my blog?!
Here is my Confession: I have a new appreciation for the use of "baby" in song lyrics. That's right... I think I like it when artists sing Baby!
But hear me out!
I admit, yes, it may often be used as a flippant pet name for whatever nameless attraction a singer has recently feasted their eyes upon... Let's not avoid the obvious!
But my most recent composition left me embarrassingly dependent on its use!
There is a longing in a lyricist to write in a manner that both expresses the emotions and unique quality of the story's situation, while yet maintaining imagery broad enough that its listener may fully relate to it. Such specificities as names, or gender even, are hindrances to a piece's universality. They limit the degree to which listeners may lose themselves in the thoughts and emotions of the work. Specifics, by nature, exclude.
And even though I have never addressed the person represented in my latest song as "baby," I found this to be the only acceptable manner of addressing them. So, while their name is all but rolling off my tongue, I leash it in for the sake of the audience, and for the sake of that person.
For songs are often a writer's diary. And although it is nearly impossible to write a touching piece without addressing the intimate interactions between humanity, my own vulnerability should not be an invitation to read a page of someone else's diary. Even if I may be longing to cry out their name, I cannot permit myself to unlock their personal life like some tabloid nightmare.
Thus even the most intimate relation may be belittled to "baby" in song.
And as we sit sneering in mockery, the singer may in fact be weeping to say a name at that very moment.
So sing on, backstreet boys. Sing on, Olivia Newton John!
And thank you for your baby songs!
Title: "Kiss from a Rose", Seal
So what do these wonderfully compelling lyrics of the hit Seal song have to do with my blog?!
Here is my Confession: I have a new appreciation for the use of "baby" in song lyrics. That's right... I think I like it when artists sing Baby!
But hear me out!
I admit, yes, it may often be used as a flippant pet name for whatever nameless attraction a singer has recently feasted their eyes upon... Let's not avoid the obvious!
But my most recent composition left me embarrassingly dependent on its use!
There is a longing in a lyricist to write in a manner that both expresses the emotions and unique quality of the story's situation, while yet maintaining imagery broad enough that its listener may fully relate to it. Such specificities as names, or gender even, are hindrances to a piece's universality. They limit the degree to which listeners may lose themselves in the thoughts and emotions of the work. Specifics, by nature, exclude.
And even though I have never addressed the person represented in my latest song as "baby," I found this to be the only acceptable manner of addressing them. So, while their name is all but rolling off my tongue, I leash it in for the sake of the audience, and for the sake of that person.
For songs are often a writer's diary. And although it is nearly impossible to write a touching piece without addressing the intimate interactions between humanity, my own vulnerability should not be an invitation to read a page of someone else's diary. Even if I may be longing to cry out their name, I cannot permit myself to unlock their personal life like some tabloid nightmare.
Thus even the most intimate relation may be belittled to "baby" in song.
And as we sit sneering in mockery, the singer may in fact be weeping to say a name at that very moment.
So sing on, backstreet boys. Sing on, Olivia Newton John!
And thank you for your baby songs!
Title: "Kiss from a Rose", Seal
Friday, November 27, 2009
Works of my Hands
Psalm 90 sums up my past couple of days.
The Lord has been my dwelling place all my life-
I cannot deny it.
And He has been a dwelling place long before my life.
Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever before He had formed the earth,
From everlasting to everlasting, He is God.
Man returns to lifeless dust.
And 1000 years is but little time to God.
We are brought to an end by His anger.
By His wrath we are dismayed.
My secret sins are set before Him, fully exposed in the light of His presence.
We bring our years to an end like a sigh.
Our years are numbered at 70, or 80 if we are so blessed,
Yet their span is but toil and trouble.
They are soon gone, and we fly away.
Does anyone consider the power of His anger, or fear Him at all?
God, TEACH us to number our days, thus granting us hearts of wisdom.
Oh God, Return.
How long?
How long until You return?
Have pity on Your servants;
Satisfy us every morning with Your permanent love,
That we may at last rejoice and be thankful for all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as You have afflicted us,
And make us glad for as many years as we have seen evil.
Oh God, let Your work be shown to Your servants,
Let our children see Your glorious power!
Allow Your favor, Your beauty Oh Lord, to be upon us,
And establish the work of our hands.
Yes! Establish the work of our hands!
Lord, You know it to be true, that I cannot live without knowing Your love every morning.
Just the same, I cannot live unless You anoint the work of my hands.
And if You will not anoint my doings here,
then what are You waiting for?...
Take me now and let me walk with You in glory.
Yet You have spared my physical life too many times for me to rightly conclude that You have no use for me here on earth.
Oh God, let Your favor and beauty be upon me, and establish the work of my hands.
For Your glory. I have no purpose here if I am not to be an avenue for Your works!
You are my reason for existence, now be the reason for my living.
Anoint those who love You, I beg of You.
I love You so much.
The Lord has been my dwelling place all my life-
I cannot deny it.
And He has been a dwelling place long before my life.
Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever before He had formed the earth,
From everlasting to everlasting, He is God.
Man returns to lifeless dust.
And 1000 years is but little time to God.
We are brought to an end by His anger.
By His wrath we are dismayed.
My secret sins are set before Him, fully exposed in the light of His presence.
We bring our years to an end like a sigh.
Our years are numbered at 70, or 80 if we are so blessed,
Yet their span is but toil and trouble.
They are soon gone, and we fly away.
Does anyone consider the power of His anger, or fear Him at all?
God, TEACH us to number our days, thus granting us hearts of wisdom.
Oh God, Return.
How long?
How long until You return?
Have pity on Your servants;
Satisfy us every morning with Your permanent love,
That we may at last rejoice and be thankful for all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as You have afflicted us,
And make us glad for as many years as we have seen evil.
Oh God, let Your work be shown to Your servants,
Let our children see Your glorious power!
Allow Your favor, Your beauty Oh Lord, to be upon us,
And establish the work of our hands.
Yes! Establish the work of our hands!
Lord, You know it to be true, that I cannot live without knowing Your love every morning.
Just the same, I cannot live unless You anoint the work of my hands.
And if You will not anoint my doings here,
then what are You waiting for?...
Take me now and let me walk with You in glory.
Yet You have spared my physical life too many times for me to rightly conclude that You have no use for me here on earth.
Oh God, let Your favor and beauty be upon me, and establish the work of my hands.
For Your glory. I have no purpose here if I am not to be an avenue for Your works!
You are my reason for existence, now be the reason for my living.
Anoint those who love You, I beg of You.
I love You so much.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
My Hosea
Where is my Hosea.
I was not created for the desert. Where is my Hosea God? You are who I long for. You know I love the moments when You speak tenderly to me and when You allure me sweetly towards righteousness and patience. But right now I need my earlier Hosea. The Hosea that gets me to the desert in the first place. I need my God whose strength is great enough for me. My broad-shouldered God whose mighty chest is firm enough for me to pound on in my frustration, and yet stands firm knowing at heart that I love Him. I love You, my Lamb, but I am pining after You, my Lion. Where is my God whose roar is louder than my own? Where is He who understands my confusion and hurts with a fire hot enough to turn tables fiercely on their sides?
Where is my Love whose eyes burn with fire? Where is Your mighty horse and Your army of angels? Where is my Commander?
If you find Him, tell Him I need Him. Tell Him I am lovesick over Him.
I was not made for the desert.
Your jealousy has unnerved me, my Husband. I have not acknowledged You, and now I tumble in in the wake of your turmoil. All Your waves and breakers are rushing over me. You have not allowed me to wade peacefully in the waters, but have stirred them in Your frustration over my neglect. You thrash in your pain and I am undone as You writhe so close to me; if You had left me out of disdain I would not have known your exasperation, but you remained close and thus Your commotion affects me. I am in love with You, my Husband. Never leave me. I would rather gurgle in the wake of Your jealousy than to float peacefully with You too far away to feel.
Do not refrain your stubbornness for my affection; I will respond to You. I had forgotten how You loved me. But Your jealousy has sparked the memory. I assumed You would move on without me. But You have not.
You are still here.
Pining.
You are my Hosea.
And I love You.
I was not created for the desert. Where is my Hosea God? You are who I long for. You know I love the moments when You speak tenderly to me and when You allure me sweetly towards righteousness and patience. But right now I need my earlier Hosea. The Hosea that gets me to the desert in the first place. I need my God whose strength is great enough for me. My broad-shouldered God whose mighty chest is firm enough for me to pound on in my frustration, and yet stands firm knowing at heart that I love Him. I love You, my Lamb, but I am pining after You, my Lion. Where is my God whose roar is louder than my own? Where is He who understands my confusion and hurts with a fire hot enough to turn tables fiercely on their sides?
Where is my Love whose eyes burn with fire? Where is Your mighty horse and Your army of angels? Where is my Commander?
If you find Him, tell Him I need Him. Tell Him I am lovesick over Him.
I was not made for the desert.
Your jealousy has unnerved me, my Husband. I have not acknowledged You, and now I tumble in in the wake of your turmoil. All Your waves and breakers are rushing over me. You have not allowed me to wade peacefully in the waters, but have stirred them in Your frustration over my neglect. You thrash in your pain and I am undone as You writhe so close to me; if You had left me out of disdain I would not have known your exasperation, but you remained close and thus Your commotion affects me. I am in love with You, my Husband. Never leave me. I would rather gurgle in the wake of Your jealousy than to float peacefully with You too far away to feel.
Do not refrain your stubbornness for my affection; I will respond to You. I had forgotten how You loved me. But Your jealousy has sparked the memory. I assumed You would move on without me. But You have not.
You are still here.
Pining.
You are my Hosea.
And I love You.
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