I Lay my Hand on my Mouth

"And they began to accuse him, saying..." Luke 23:2a.

I'm on a journey these days to relocate myself. Embarassing, really- to realize that you've lost yourself. It's a bit like losing your sunglasses... which are on top of your head. Luckily, though, I know exactly where my true self is hiding- somewhere in the depths of this Man who has been named God.

It would seem that half of me has lost myself in His inner most being [good choice], and the other half of me has wandered off completely like a careless, baa-ing sheep nibbling its way to the nearest cliff! It is the latter half that is now searching for the other. [Great.] But I am simply not complete or at all myself when I am not wholly a part of the one hidden in Him!

In the journey back to my favorite half, my pain riddled heart must first pass through the Lord. As a whole, this is usually quite wonderful; however, once inside the Lord, there is no hiding. There is only exposure. Full-on exposure. And thus, loving Father that He is, He began rubbing away the old scabs to allow them to heal properly. And in the peak of my pain, I accused Him. I don't know that I'd ever been angry with Him before in my life. It was a new experience, and it went about as well as you can imagine.

He bore it patiently, but eventually it became necessary for his jealous heart to serve as iodine to my woundedness. At the time, this meant not allowing me to accuse the only One who could really help:

"And the Lord said to Job:
    'Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
        He who argues with God, let him answer it.'

"Then Job answered the Lord and said:
    'Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
        I lay my hand on my mouth.
     I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
        twice, but I will proceed no further.'

"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
    'Dress for action like a man;
        I will  question you, and you make it known to me.
    Will you even put me in the wrong?
        Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?
    Have you an arm like God,
        and can you thunder with a voice like his?

    'Adorn yourself with majesty and dignity;
       clothe yourself with glory and splendor.
    Pour out the overflowings of your anger,
        and look on everyone who is proud and abase him.
    Look on everyone who is proud and bring him low
        and tread down the wicked where they stand.
    Hide them all in the dust together;
        bind their faces in the world below.
    Then will I also acknowledge to you
        that your own right hand can save you.'"
                                                   ~Job 40:1-14

My arm is not the arm of God, and my voice does not thunder as His does. I have not the ability to adorn myself with majesty or dignity, and I have no such clothing as glory or splendor. My anger at present is not with righteousness that causes the wicked to be brought low, and I have not the strength to tread on the wicked where they stand. I cannot hide them all in the dust, for I am only dust myself.

Thus, I place my hand over my mouth, save to say this: that it is You and Your right hand alone that can save me.

And thus, I find my way to myself. Journey on!

All glory and honor and power belong to the Lord God Almighty, and to His Son, Jesus, my King and my betrothed.

The story continues...

So right now in the story, the heroine has been out of prison for 2 and a half years, and has been running ever since.

Feeling sufficiently far away from the prison, she slows her run in the opposite direction, and finds herself deep within a forest. Various parties in various cottages have housed her along the way, aiding her with their warm meals and warmer hearts. Her pace on the path slows until she is nearly motionless, and she realizes that she feels safe for the first time in a long time. Even before she found herself locked in the depths of a cold and musty entrapment, it was a while before then that she had really felt safe. She found it strange that she should find her peace here, in a deserted wood with no one about to cheer her.

But slowing for the first time after years of running, she could finally hear.

She could hear the fallen leaves at her feet, and the breaking sticks when she decided to take one more step. She could hear her breaths- every inhale and every exhale. She could hear herself!... Her eyes filled with forgotten tears- whether of relief or of pain, she did not know. Nor did she care. All she knew was that it felt like the years were emptying from her eyes, and underneath their floods, she was finding that she was still there somehow. Years of scum and tarnish had left her with little faith that anything of herself remained. But there she was- young and... what was it... hopeful?

She didn't know where she would go, but she knew she wouldn't have to run to get there.

A chorus of birds and squirrels seemed to ring out, almost joyful to be heard by her. Had the squirrels always been this loud? Good heavens the forest is loud! And welcoming. So welcoming. She didn't know if she wanted to lay in the dirt and never move for hours, or if she wanted to go running in every direction off the path, just to make her mark. Just to say that she is here!

I'M HERE! I'M HERE!

I'm here.

Now she knew the tears were happy. She stumbled about as in an unpracticed dance, and eventually took a seat on the fallen tree beside her to rest. She felt the bark on her fingertips, and smiled at the vine growing down its trunk. The vine would help it return to the dirt. And out of that dirt would grow an oak. She was certain of it.

Oaks were her favorite. They had always been her favorite.

She looked up and glanced again down the pathway. It was early evening, and she would still have hours to follow the sun before finding a place to sleep. She didn't want to hurry anymore. She wanted to take it all in. All of it. If the moss was soft, she wanted to feel it. And if the briar stung, she wanted to sense it. There was life in her, and she was going to live it.

She didn't know where she would go, but she knew she wouldn't have to run to get there.

Clinging

Sometimes my heart clings to things.
Sometimes that is good, and sometimes it's horrible.
Right now it is painful, and good.

You should click the link below to see the main thing I'm clinging to these days.
You won't regret it.

Gungor- "Beautiful Things"

He gives and takes away, and then...

For some time now I have been hit pretty hard with dreams waking up.  Various nightmares, hardships, and identity stabs.  But through it all, the Lord has awakened me with such sweet revelation, aimed at completely counteracting whatever worry has consumed me in my dreams.

This morning was particularly sweet!

In my dream, I was losing the things I most cared about, and the people who I respect the most were advising that what I was chasing was not right for me. I was losing everything, and at the Lord's doing.

I awoke so upset and downhearted, and fearful that I was clinging to things that were not from the Lord.

But He put this phrase in my mind: "The Lord gives, and He takes away, but He always ends with giving. If He is not giving, it is not the end."  What sweet encouragement!

Then He took me through the relationship of the world and Jesus:

-He was with us in the beginning
-Then the fall led Him to have a degree of separation.
-We waited for thousands of years [with various givings and taking aways of the Lord- all in line with our obedience and disobedience], and then He returned to us!!
-Then He was taken away at His death.
-Then He rose on the 3rd day and was with us again
-Then He ascended to heaven, and we were seemingly without Him. [mt 28:20]
-Then He sent the Holy Spirit to be with us
-Many will be put to death for love of Him
-And then He will return to us, never to leave again!!

And so we can know this of Him: He does indeed give and take away, but He always always ends with giving for those who love Him. If He has not given, it is not the end.

Be encouraged by the original proclamation:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
May the Name of the Lord be praised."
-Job 1:21

What a glorious response on Job's part- in the place of taking away, still He says may the Lord's Name be praised!

But what's great, is that He DIDN'T go to the grave naked!

"After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. [...] The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part."
-Job 42: 10, 12a

The Lord gives, and He takes away, but He always ends with giving! If He he has not given, it is not the end.

Georgia's White Christmas!

That's right, folks- we have a White Christmas in GEORGIA!! That hasn't happened, oh... since the EIGHTEEN HUNDREDS!!  Crazy!  And I have the pictures to prove it!

Montana Adventures!

I flew up to Montana this week to hang out with Seth in his old stompin grounds! Oh the adventures that ensued! :)

Here's a pictorial overview:

Well, his dad is a potato farmer.  Naturally, we had to dive down his cellars of potatoes!

Then we headed over to the grandparents' house where we goofed around on the new tractor! I'll be honest- we stood around just taking crazy pictures for a long time! haha. But I'll spare you the masses of photos.

Later, we took a drive over to Bozeman. The view, obviously, was just horrendous.  I basically wanted to close my eyes the whole ride.

I won't even POST any pictures from our fourwheeler/sledding extravaganza!  Of course, that's only because we broke both the sled and the camera in the process! Needless to say- that was some good snow sledding! Alas, no pictures.

But don't worry- we had another camera on hand! For anybody who has known me for a while, you know I absolutely adore shooting! We threw out some bottles and a milk jug down the pasture in the back yard, and did some target shooting from the back deck!

And then before driving me back to the airport, we opened presents and whipped out the guitar.  Well, really, little Maximus played the guitar! Awesome jam session- he's quite the little musician!

There are plenty more where that came from, but that's the gist of it all.

It was an incredible trip, and I miss them already! And some good ole country adventures!

But then again... I'm at home in Georgia... I haven't exactly left the country life! Fun times a comin'!

Boyfriends and Fly-Bys

So someone's boyfriend decided to do a fly by or two at their girlfriend's work last week!
A good handful of us went outside to witness the event.
Not going to lie- the last time around I nearly peed my pants! Which would have given my co-workers one more thing to tease me about!
I was mostly ok though... the guys trying to fix the satelite on the roof of our building, however...
Haha. Let's just say they had one of my co-workers text them the picture, claiming that no one would believe them!

I think he likes me. :)